Well, I have come to realize that sometimes, you have to be brave and not look back. Sometimes, you must tell the truth, and not chicken out. I'm talking about some of my past blogs. I feel like I should erase some of them because of how completely open I was about my personal life in them, but I'm not looking back.

And, I'm not going to delete them.

I figure, writing isn't suppossed to be some perfectly polished, manicured, fictionist thing; made to entertain. I guess the truth isn't always pretty and writting should just show truth. Or else what's the point in writing it.

Enough said about that.

I will write about feeling unsettled. Because, I feel like writing about it because....I've felt like this now since 2007. Since my ex husband got deported and my marriage went down the toilet with his wedding band he flused down the toilet and mine I threw out the window from my car.

My family was destroyed and seperated; even after that my sister stepped in to help me; yeah right she helped herself to my kids. And for once in my life I felt very unsettled. And lonely like I was in this great big universe and I was lost.

When you miss someone that you truelly loved this much. Like I loved omero and joshua and christi; all you feel is pain. And, it seems in my case that I didn't want to open my heart up to no one but him and the kids after that. I kinda lost myself in...missing them. I just wanted to hide and not talk to anybody but them. And then, seeing they were not around it hurt more.

My current boyfriend says that, I am never satisfied with him and that I am too critical and that I am hard to get along with. Because I am never hardly ever satisfied with anything.

This is what I call...unsettled....it's when you've reached a place where you've moved on with your life possibly leaving behind those you really want to be with but you find yourself feeling like...well , i have a hard time explaining how I feel like. It's like ....well, I can't finish my thought in this one cause....It's hard to express what my life feels like lately.

well, let me conclude this blog with unsettled is a painful place. And I'm just saying not being able to be with those you love can be devestating....

no one can understand the pain someone else feels when they lose a loved one like the person themself that has to go through it. Even though you can talk about it, there's nothing like actually living through it. It's like I'm being asked let go of, and to get over people that I'm not able to let go of and get over yet, because I still love them. And, yet...I'm ignored and I'm only left suffering in silence not being able to hear their voice or see their face. It's devestating...if I asked you to let go of sunshine and the heavenly sky could you? If I asked you to get over the flowers of the field and the singing of the birds could you? If I asked you to get over and let go of the ocean and the trees could you? so in the same way I can't get over joshua, christi and homer. They were the light of my life. The song in my step.

How cruel what has been done to me. I cry ever night and day. Wondering when will they be returned to me. I'm crying again as I write this. But I guess....when you love and lose someone that's how bad it hurts. Otherwise, if I wouldn't feel this hurt it would mean I never did love them. I just hope one day...

I won't feel this way anymore...unsettled. And, now to find a way to move on....happily, joyfully easier said then done. When will I stop missing them never. But, I guess I must let them go if I'm going to lead a productive, healthy life, lest my sadness...leaves me in despair, and it destroys my life and all good things in it.

Now, for the strength to let go. This I must continually pray about. For in and of myself without Jesus I don't think I can do it.

Till, I see them again...I must try to keep my spirits high. Lest I lose more...and worse things happen. I gotta be strong. And somehow settle back into some kind of...comfortable happiness again. I will try to do this but it will be hard.

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