I don't like talking about this subject. But I guess, I have to today. Because, this is what I'm dealing with enemies. On february 2nd I won't go into it I will be in a situation where I will have to deal with people that are my very real enemies. I am not...looking foward to it!

Because I don't like confrontation, but I realize I must and I have to confront my enemies. I love writing because...the sentence I just wrote before this one...was easier to type then to say out loud, and seeing it written is like I'm able to take it off my back a little...it feels good to see it with my own eyes as I'm writting it. I must face reality that I have always hated confronting things I don't like to see or hear, or know about. I like to avoid problems and uncomfortable people and situations. And the fact that I have to confront one of my life long enemies february 2nd, and three other people that don't like me...and wish ill will towards me february 2nd....is so unsettling to me that I spent the last week crying and wailing over it at times. Because I am not looking foward to this confrontation.

I know deep down...that they will try to attack me and make me fall. I know they will try to hurt me and make me cry, I know they will try to lie about me and make me look bad. I know they will try to break my heart and make me think badly of myself and, it is very possible they will also...treat me bad and...in turn I might lose confidence in myself...if I'm not strong. So....I know I'm in for a fight. A verbal fight.

and maybe more then that who knows...I'm a little scared but I am not a coward. I just know that there could be some losses at stake by fighting them, or some victories If I suceed against them. The thing about life is this now that I'm in my thirties I realize...that without a fight there usually isn't a victory and with each fight you take a chance of getting hurt. But, I have promised myself that no matter what happens...I will not back down. I will not run and hide like they want me to. And I will speak up and stand up for myself, even though they think I won't....I may get hurt but I have already promised myself that I could never live with myself, if I ran away from this fight and let them walk all over me and defeat me and rob me of what is mine. I would regret it more if I didn't fight them then if I did fight them and I lost. So here goes nothing...two more days,....and I'm going to be in one of the greatest fights of my life. I must take out my sword on that day which is my words, and I must fight swiftly, and with cunning and great strength and might, and I must fight intelligently and with self control and technique, I must have great defense, and great offense, I must not let them see me afraid. I must be quick and steady and not lose my composure...I must stay on my toes with balance and not let anything make me fall...I must also, not tire of fighting if the fight is going to be a long one...I must endure to the end. And then, and only then will I have the victory....

This is one fight I cannot lose....

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